Ode to the women who taught me how to be honest.
What do you think of when you are told that someone is a liar?
Maybe you think of deceit? That they can’t be trusted and possibly even have some malicious intent? Certainly they aren’t a good person if they tell lies.
I felt that way for sure.
As a highly sensitive and intuitive person, I can usually sense when someone is not being honest with me and in our current paradigm I have been raised to feel like liars will surely cause trouble at some point. Their lies will come back to bite them and it’s best not to be around people like that.
Yet I too was a liar.
Without realising it, I was lying on a daily basis.
Lying about who I am, what I love, what I am not, why I am saying no to something. The list goes on.
It wasn’t until I started working with a kinesiologist roughly 6 years ago that I realised how many lies I told.
My judgements of other people who tell lies were just a mirror reflecting back to me where I was struggling within myself.
Tammie (my kinesiologist) certainly didn’t call me a liar but she used my body to access my truth.
These were truths I had tucked away hoping no one would ever find and here was this woman exposing me!
It was one of the most scary and vulnerable experiences in my life.
What happened next was something I had rarely experienced in my life.
Tammie encouraged me to share my truth and she held a container vast enough to hold whatever spilled out of me.
All the things I didn’t want anyone to know.
All the parts of myself I didn’t like and deemed unworthy.
All the things I feared would have me rejected and cast out if anyone were to find out.
Tammie helped me bring them all into the light and did not for one second make me feel any of the things I expected to feel if anyone were to know these things about me.
There was no judgement, no shame, no fear and no rejection.
She was a sovereign queen, so certain of herself that she could hold me in the highest light without any concern that she herself would be tainted by my trauma.
This level of empathy took a lot for me to adjust to as it’s still not a mainstream practice in this patriarchal culture. It actually felt foreign to be receiving it.
Tammie saw something in me that I never new existed.
It has been a long journey home to my truth, with lots of ups and downs and something I still have to actively remember to bring forward.
Yet every time I am honest about who I am, what I have been through, what I value and what I won’t tolerate, I experience a new level of personal empowerment.
Please don’t let me understate the mammoth task it was to start living honestly.
Some people in my life were used to my lies and were uncomfortable with my new found honesty.
Whilst many people will publicly scorn liars, they often secretly want people to lie, if those lies suit their personal agenda.
When I started saying no to social invitations, or babysitting requests, or people dropping in unannounced because I honestly am choosing to put what I need before what someone else needs from me, there were people in my life that weren’t happy.
When I openly discuss my chronic illness or post traumatic stress, I am often met with people either dismissing it or trying to fix me with all the things I should be doing for myself. These people prefer it when I lie and say ‘I’m fine’. It’s far more comfortable for them.
When I am honest about my spirituality, my intuitive gifts and healing abilities, people who don’t have the same beliefs as me would prefer me to lie and not speak of such things.
When I point out discrimination of any kind, the perpetuators of that behaviour would have me lie and say ‘You’re right. That’s not racist at all.’
I’ve had to let these people fall away.
I haven’t had massive traumatic arguments or fall outs. I’ve just been prepared to let them move on with love.
It was at that point, when I aligned my life with my values and started being authentic about who I was and what I stand for, that I became a magnet for amazing people who can support me on that path.
My relationship with Tammie was a catalyst for change that was necessary and it snowballed from there into a way of life that is purely lead from my heart.
This is the place where my intuition communicates with me.
My body becomes the microphone for the whispers of my soul.
It is my mind and body that mobilise my spirit.
My intuition lead me to find Clare.
Clare runs an amazing program called Elemental Voices.
I seriously thought I had won the lottery when I found her.
Shamanic journeying meets circle medicine songs with a finale that had me stand up on stage and sing my truth, exposing myself in the most vulnerable way possible.
I was terrified and excited and it was spectacular.
The whole 8 week journey and final show was one of the most expansive programs I have ever been a part of.
Last year, when Clare invited me to a cacao ceremony at her farm, I couldn’t wait to go.
Yet when the day came, I was sinking.
Brett and I had just separated and I had spent the weekend rearranging furniture, filling the empty spaces he had left behind when he moved out.
I was overwhelmed, sad, anxious and the thought of turning up and putting on a brave face for a bunch of people I didn’t know was more than I could bare.
The old me would have lied.
I would’ve told her my kids were sick or some other reason I thought was ‘good enough’ to justify pulling out of something I had said I would do.
What happened next really stuck in my mind and reminded me how powerful the truth can be.
I sent Clare a message and told her I didn’t think I would make it and I told her the truth about why.
I was in a bad place and didn’t feel like I could get there.
What Clare said next was so simple yet the most loving example of support I could have received in that moment.
First she acknowledged what I was experiencing and sent me love.
Then she said ‘Please know you are so welcome to come today, just as you are. If you can, it could be good medicine.’
I had never before considered that it was ok to show up imperfectly.
Just as I was.
That I didn’t need to put on a brave front or socialise any more than what I could manage on that day.
So I jumped in the shower and drove to her farm.
Clare was right.
It was good medicine.
I sat in ceremony and drank cacao and sang from my heart and in that moment I knew that the way Clare showed up for me was exactly how I wanted to start showing up for myself.
Clare gave me the permission I never knew I needed.
Still, sometimes I need reminding.
Very soon after the cacao ceremony, I had a similar experience with Fleassy Malay during her 6 week program called Speak Up. I knew I wanted to do Speak Up the moment I saw it.
Clearly my guides dropped it in front of me and like always now, I follow that guidance without question.
One week about half way through the course I was really struggling to get myself there.
I was emotionally and physically exhausted and the thought of driving an hour to Collingwood and sitting with the group for 3 hours before heading home again was a lot to get my head around.
At the same time, I didn’t want to miss it.
We were covering a lot each week and I had made a significant financial investment to be part of this and to have 6 weeks working with Fleassy, so I got myself up and made it there.
When I arrived I went to speak to Fleassy and let her know that I’m feeling rather fragile and may not participate much tonight.
At this point, what I would usually experience is either sympathy. Eg: Oh you poor thing how awful for you to be going through such a hard time. Or, the Shoulds. Eg: All the things I should be doing to make me feel better or be fixed so that my emotions don’t impact anyone around me.
Instead, Fleassy looked me square it the eyes and said ‘And you are welcome in this space exactly as you are.’
Immediately I could feel the weight of the burden of having to be a person that didn’t make anyone else uncomfortable just float away.
That was twice in a very short span of time that I had allowed myself to be honest and vulnerable by sharing my unfiltered truth and both times these two wonderful women gave me something I have never been able to give myself before then.
Permission to be honest.
Permission to honour the fullness of what I was experiencing and feeling.
Permission to show up exactly as I was.
No need to pretend to be happy or nice or have my shit together.
Just be present in that moment with my own truth.
Because it is in our truth that we find our treasure.
In that place of our heart, where our intuition drops in, where we feel all the feels, we can find our way home to the truth of who we are.
Magnificent, infinite women who can share their truth courageously and wholeheartedly.
There have been many women who have supported and influenced me on my journey to wholeness, too many to mention here. But today I wanted to give a special thanks to Tammie, Fleassy and Clare for showing up for me in the exact way that I desire to show up for myself.
I also want to acknowledge my Mother Suzi, my Grandmothers June and Irene and to the many generations of women in my ancestral line that fought battles I will never know about, for I would not be who I am today without you.
And my two beautiful Daughters Ruby and Charlotte. I hope one day you will know and experience the love that you have blessed me with in this life.
Here’s to generations of magnificent, courageous, truth telling women.
If you would like to learn more about these amazing women who supported me, you can find more information by clicking on their name below.